Omg. OK. It was clickbait. BUT if you’re here, it’s either because you are after said perfect body, or because you’re intrigued by my apparent audacity in purporting to know how to get one. So spare me a few minutes and please read on…

March is nearly over (pardon?!) and, if we haven’t finished getting through the Christmas chocolate yet, Easter is upon us. Great. It’s also about that time when all the fitness weirdos we all love to hate have started shredding. So this parallel universe starts to take formation in front of us wherein bucketloads of coco-based temptation are arising at every angle, but unfortunately, so are everyone else’s six packs. Help me Jesus.

Either way, it’s likely that you’ve started to think about getting rid of the hibernation layer we all put on over winter here in the UK. Nowadays, most of my friends look to social media for inspiration: whether it’s Kayla Itsines or Emily Skye on Facebook, Tash Oakley (those God damn Australians and their tanned asses) on Instagram or Nikki Blacketter on YouTube there are fitness deities – and their male counterparts – aplenty for us to feast our eyes on and be inspired by.

Ladies (and gents, if you’re there): I know you’ve all got someone in mind that you think of when you look in the mirror. I know you’ve got an idea of the “perfect” body shape in your head every time you drag yourself to the gym, or swap a full-fat Coke for water. And yet it just feels like no matter how good you are, no matter how hard you push during your workouts, that hip to waist ratio just ain’t happening.

Let me hit you with some knowledge. Something that you know already, that you’ve heard a million times but that just hasn’t sunk in yet…

You were born with certain genetics. Your body is a certain shape. It has been since you were at school. Some of us have teeny boobs (hiya). Some of us have thick legs. Some of us have thin annoying fally-out hair that requires daily freaking hoovering. Some of us have terrible teeth (again, hello… To the point where my dentist actually named my wonkiest tooth “Sue”). That’s a fact. You weren’t born with Kendall Jenner’s legs, or Cassie’s lips, or Katy Perry’s ridiculously ample breasts. And unless you have Beyoncé money in the bank or a sugar daddy on deck… You’re never going to have them.

I know, it’s a terrible life.

But what you do have is an opportunity. An opportunity to be the best version of you. You know what’s right, what’s healthy, what makes you feel like crap and what makes you feel like a queen. You’ve bought the gym gear, checked out the nearest yoga class timetable and have an idea in your head of who it is that you want to look like. But that’s the problem: you’re never going to be that girl. You’re always going to be you. And once you learn to accept, and eventually love that fact, everything will change.

I used the title that I did because I knew people would click and read, even though there is literally no such thing as one single “perfect” body. And whilst I cannot offer you advice on how to shrink your waist or perk up your butt, I can offer you this knowledge in the hope that in accepting it, we’ll all learn to just be happy with what our mama gave us. And in all honesty, I particularly wanted to get this out there because the other day one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever seen, with an amazing figure to boot, asked me about my workout/dietary regime. And I was shocked (mainly as I was eating cake at the time). So I told her what I’ve written here and I feel like it made sense to her. But it just saddened me that such a beautiful creature was trying to change herself in the pursuit of someone else’s idea of perfection, instead of appreciating what’s in the mirror.

Of course, if you stay eating Cadbury’s and KFC you’re always going to limit your progression, so by no means am I saying throw caution to the wind and be obese all your life. That wasn’t my point here. My point is that – this whole post has been one massive cliché, so I’m not even going to apologise at this point – you have to love your true self. The unfiltered, first thing in the morning self that FaceTune can’t get to (I see a lot of you blasting that, please stop, you look like Wotsits with Mr Potato Head face parts stuck on). And in that happiness you will flourish. Have faith! Work out. Eat healthy. Eat a lot (food is the truth). Laugh. Travel. Be honest. The glow comes from the inside.

CM ❤️